Hello all… Welcome to my first post here at The Morning Pint. This is truly an honor for me. Football (or soccer for all you ruffians…) has always been a passion of mine so it’s a pleasure to let loose my unique talents, shall we say, on all you rabid readers.
Before I go on, I want to explain a few things. First of all, Yes, my wife is Mrs. Cleo, and Yes, she is the most gifted Psychic in the world. Second, Yes, I am Psychic as well, not a overpoweringly so as my dear wife but talented indeed. And Third, Yes, Mrs. Cleo is a tiger, or tigress as it were, in the sack.
Now that that’s out of the way, to the business of this first article:
Who will win the Barclays English Premier League this year?
I’m rubbing my crystal ball. Ahhh…. Yes….. I’m rubbing it some more… Ouch….. Cheeky crystal ball. That’s better… It’s all becoming very clear. Yes. There we go. I’m seeing a color. It’s distinctly red. Yes. Definitely red. The winner of the league this season will be…
Wait. Hold on. That’s not very exciting is it? You don’t just want to come right out and tell you, do you? A little bit of foreplay perhaps?
I’ve always favored a scientific approach. I don’t just predict blindly, I always try to get as much info as I can before I make a prediction. So let’s say we look at the 3 champion hopefuls and their remaining schedule before we continue…
1) Manchester United Current Spot: 1st Points: 72
Remaining fixtures: Chelsea (H), Blackburn (A), Manchester City (A), Tottenham (H), Sunderland (A), Stoke (H)
Last years team of destiny, the golden gods of England after a second Treble(not the treble, but a treble none the less, a quadruple actually, if you count the Club World Cup) under Sir Alex, who may or may not have bolts of lightning shooting out of his Arse (as evidenced by recent interviews, he certainly does have a bit of the opposite shooting from … you get it.). The team who lost the best player in the world and came out right as rain. Many predicted a lull year for United after said huge loss (not to mention a certain Carlito having his way across town) and growing Ownership issues (seen any Green and Gold lately?), but nothing could be further from what has occurred. United are in scintillating form and magic man Wayne Rooney has made Ronaldo a fleeting memory like the last time the Mrs. gave me the How’s Your Father on a week day. Improved play from Valencia, Nani, and Park (and Shrek himself) has made United a difficult cookie to crumble of late.
Looking at the fixtures, United’s pole position gives them a great advantage, especially if they win the biggest game of the season in 3 days. But looking past an emotional affair at Blackburn, a red-hot rivalry with Manchester City, and a huge Champions League impacting contest with Tottenham would be foolish. This is a tough run in to be sure and many questions come with it. Can this team stay healthy? What happens if Rooney goes down? Can either big four hopeful down the fat lady? Will Sir Alex punch a fourth official in the face? Difficult questions indeed.
2) Chelsea Current Spot: 2nd Points: 71
Remaining fixtures: Manchester Utd (A), Bolton (H), Tottenham (A), Stoke (H), Liverpool (A), Wigan (H)
The Blues. From Russia with love… and oil money. Fat Frank, Diddier ‘Diddy’ Drogba, Suilemon Kolou, and, last and certainly least, John ‘the worst human being imaginable yet England captain for nearly 4 years’ Terry. What a team. The pre-season favorites for the title have had a decent season, their first under Carlo Ancolotti, a man who looks like Robin Williams compared to Avram ‘the undertaker’ (love that nickname!) Grant, but a unfortunate loss to Jose ‘the Special One’ Mourinho’s Inter Milan has this team in a bit of a funk.
For Chelsea, it all comes down to this weekend’s game. Beat United. Beat. Beat. United. If they do, they can win. If they don’t, well… let’s just say Carlo might be drinking like Robin Williams soon enough. Difficult away matches at Tottenham and Liverpool will also make things sticky for the Russian Mob.
3) Arsenal Current Spot: 3rd Points: 68
Remaining fixtures: Wolves (H), Tottenham (A), Wigan (A), Manchester City (H), Blackburn (A), Fulham (H)
The Gunners, the pretty boys of football with the Professor at the helm. The kids. Nobody plays prettier football with Arsenal, but do they have the steal to get six results? Even one against mighty Fulham? (you are welcome Captain America…) Can Francis pull enough strings? Can St. Nick finish 1 chance in 4 instead of 10? Will Theo play himself onto England (or off like he did last week)? Will Arshavin and Vermaelen once and for all that they are two of the world’s best? I’ll spare you more about this team, my dear friend Lord Nacho will be more than happy to fill that void in the coming days… but looking at their run in, this is by far the easiest.
3 great teams. 3 very different schedules. I’m rubbing my crystal ball again…
Will it be Chelsea?
…No. It will not. The most difficult run in, and.. hm…. Despite a win at United next weekend… there simply is not enough magic in this team without Mr. Essien in the line up. A difficult year for a first timer Ancelotti. Welcome to the league guido.
Alright then, two left, both wear red. Who should I ask about first? Fin Nacho, here we go…
Will it be Arsenal?
...YES! Very interesting. They won’t be too distracted by an incredibly attractive Barcelona tie? …Wow, you’re saying that they are actually going to learn from it? They’re going to learn how to use style to impose your will on a game? If you say so… So they’re going to take 14 points of 18 remaining. That’s going to be enough? Really? …Wow.
But what about United?
What? Rooney is going to get hurt and miss atleast 2 of these games, preferring to play in the Champions League? What? Dracula is not good enough to be depended on at the end of the season. What? There are no other strikers good enough on this team? But what about Gabriel Obertan? You’re right, that was just a joke… That’s fine, but what of Sir Alex? …Goodness. Hm… You’re right, I won’t say anything about that for now… but what about the youth of Arsenal, surely they can’t be…
Uh oh. The Mrs. is home. I’ve got some dishes to attend to.
…
Until next time. I see another conversation in our future.
[note: this article was written before the injuries to Rooney and Fabregas in the UCL...]
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