Top 5: Reasons why the MLS is unwatchable

After a long season of European football, it's finally time for America's age old pastime to begin... and it's the beginning of the MLS season.

As an American, I am proud to say that I hate MLS, and here's why:

5) Alexi Lalas

How anyone this incompetent could GM for not one but two teams is flabbergasting. Is that even a word?...It doesn't matter, it's how I feel. Nothing is more frustrating on the planet than the fact that every time mainstream America needs to trot out a soccer expert, guess who shows up. I mean, c'mon. Is this really the best we can do? What about Temryss Lane? At least she's hot. What about Wynalda?At least he's... alright, you got me there. Picking between those two is like one of those 'what ifs' like, what would you rather do, have sex with a sheep or a goat? (personally, i'd go goat. i don't know why, but i would...)

4) The Club Names

I could go on about stuff like how they insist on calling the pitch a field, or a President a GM, or a club a team... but that's small potatoes. I could go on about how no drunk (real) football fan could possibly root for a team with a name like "The Kansas City Wizards." (by the way, the original name of this team was the Wiz... can you believe that? Like, a bunch of people sat in a room and agreed that "Wiz" was the best choice. Was there Acid involved?) But what I really can't stand is rip off names like "Chivas USA" "Real Salt Lake." I mean, really? You're just going to copy the name of another club? Why not just go all the way? How about "Real Madrid Salt Lake"? That has a nice ring to it. Gosh, I should take Don Garber's job.

3) The Officials

This really shouldn't be so high on the list. Honestly, the horrible officials in MLS is one of the only reason to WATCH the games. It's kinda fun in a 'what will they do next?' kind of a way. Two penalties in 30 seconds? (like last Thurday...) Sure, why not. Go nuts. I think these guys should be working the WWE (are we sure that they aren't?). It's no surprise the US hasn't sent a ref to the World Cup since 2002.

2) Over-the-hill European players

Claudio 'I am the most useless man alive' Reyna? Freddie 'my back is worse than Mr. Burns's' Lungberg? Denilson? (I don't even have a joke for him. I kinda don't remember who he is actually...) It's like we're the little brother and we're supposed to get excited about the hand-me-downs we get from big bro. ( Sorry, but a mid-90s grunge T-shirt isn't really my thing...) It's not like these guys come over at the tail end of their career. They come over AFTER the tale end during the sad 'this guy is ruining his legacy' period of there career. Think MJ and the wizards...

[i'm sorry Claudio, but because of what you did against Ghana i will always hate you. always. always...]

1) The Commentators

If I ever decide to kill myself, the most likely cause will be that I accidentally watched some FSC soccer saturday coverage of MLS. I don't know their names, I don't care. These guys suck. They are terrible people and yes, I want them to die. Stop telling me the obvious and actually give some useful information. And stop acting like lumping the ball upfield is a good play. God, I hate you. I HATE YOU!!!

....

[All that said, I really really really hope the MLS is good some day. I really do. I even might go to a few Galaxy games this year... Especially since I hear the Temryss has been know to make an appearance or two.]

[I love you Temryss.]